Has anything changed in the past year?
"But I love him". Ok, fine. You love him. Even though he isn't giving you the relationship that you want, you are hanging in there HOPING that it will eventually come to you. He will wake up one fine day: stop blaming you for everything that is wrong in the relationship, suddenly take responsibility for his inappropriate actions, make you feel warm and fuzzy with security, and basically kneel down and kiss your freshly painted toenails thanking the Universe that he has you, a beautiful Goddess, in his life.
Reality Check.
What you love is the relationship - the companionship - regardless of how rotten it is - you love believing that you're sharing your life with someone. Someone that cares about you, even though he manages to hurt you in every way except using you as a punching bag (which will come down the road). The rare times he is gentle and kind... well, sure, you love that about him. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "But, he's really a good man inside". Hmmm. I'm sure that somewhere underneath all the ego-crusted junk surrounding him that there is a decent individual hiding there. "But, he just has 'issues'" ... yup, pretty much.... and he will vent those "issues" on you every opportunity that you give him.
What about the times that you've been alone crying your eyeballs out of their sockets because he didn't call like he said he would; or worse yet, he's made it clear to you he's going out.... you're not invited to go, so he insinuates that he's out trolling around. Granted, he probably isn't even out looking for a replacement for you - it's the IDEA that he might be that hurts you. And he isn't doing a thing to make sure your relationship OR you feel secure. He thrives on the idea that you are at home glued to the phone!
This kind of relationship is not going to bring you inner peace and tranquility. Oh, this isn't what you want... you are caught up with "wanting the man you know he can be".....right? Because THAT man brings you joy and happiness on the few ocassions that he actually IS kind and loving.
Reality Check - yet again. The dude is pretending to be what you want to keep you in this twisted controlling relationship. Fact. Yes. Hard fact to swallow, but it's there. Everytime you cave in and accept the unacceptable behavior you give more control to him, while chipping away at your self esteem and your ability to actually engage in a healthy relationship.
It's your choice. Stay and insist to yourself that because you want this so badly things will change.... or walk away from it and recover, knowing that the next one will bring you what you "love" about your current destructive relationship - without the drama and controlling games.
"How can YOU possibly understand this?" Because I've lived it, folks. And that, my friends, will be in another blog.... "How I found the courage and strength to say ""NO MORE!"
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